Why I hate the 'I'm Going to Bed' Meme

Lately, I’ve been seeing this bedtime meme on Facebook and I hate that it reinforces gender stereotypes; the husband simply goes to bed, while the wife cleans and tidies the house and prepares for the next morning before her head ever hits the pillow. Each and every time I look at the list, I have only one thought.

I am the husband.

I am exhausted at 9:30pm and sheepishly crawl off to the warm embrace of my bamboo sheets and cozy pillow most nights of the week.

Do I pick up all the toys first? Nope.

Do I clean and tidy my house first? Nope?

Do I fold a load of laundry first? Nope.

Do I do the dishes and load the dishwasher first? Nope.

I give my husband a kiss, trudge upstairs to wash my face, brush my teeth and put my pajama’s on before I collapse into the bed and fall fast asleep for another night.

Does my husband do ALL THE THINGS I don't before he goes to bed? Yep.

All that being said...

Do I get up with my almost 4 year old at 5am nearly every day? Yep.
Do I work 10 hours a day so that my husband can be home with my boys? Yep.

Do I need to go to bed early to maintain my lifestyle? Yep.

I recognize that in the ideal world this meme wouldn’t even exist, because everything would be perfectly balanced, all the time. And I also understand that this meme is simply a reflection of people’s experience that many people relate to it, but personally, it rubs me the wrong way. 

This meme reinforces my inability to fit into gender stereotypes and worse makes me care, just a little bit, that I don’t fit into traditional household roles.

And in the end, does any of it matter?
Which chores are yours and which chores are your partner's?
Which gender you do (or don’t) identify with in any and all respects?

No, it doesn’t.

What matters is that, however you do things, it works for you and your family.

I may not be a traditional mother in many senses of the word and yet in many others I am and quite frankly, my boys love me just the way I am.

So I am just going to go ahead and continue to hate this meme.

A different type of Monday

I just finished making lunches for my boys, a perfectly normal, Sunday night task. But tomorrow is not just any Monday, its the first Monday of the rest of our lives.

My husband is now unemployed, by choice. After nearly 7 years as a public servant, I'm moving to the private sector and will be financially responsible for my family, at a job that I will start in a week. I've always been a working mom to my boys, but THIS, it changes things.

It's going to change our entire family dynamic. My boys will learn to NEED their dad, to get their comfort from their dad, their dad is about to become their new constant. Without question, it's going to be horrible for everyone, for a while.

But then my boys will get into a groove and a rhythm and they'll learn to get along just fine, without me around. And although I want that for them, so bad, it still makes me just a tiny bit sad. My babies won't ever need me, the same way they do now.

But, knowing my husband is caring for my children, in combination with an opportunity to feed my pursuit of knowledge, learn a new job and a new industry while providing for my family is a trade-off I'll take in a heartbeat.

I'm excited. Excited for the adventure my family is about to embark on and I'm excited to learn.

Tomorrow is the start of everything new and I can't wait to see how this story unfolds.

When is Good-ish NOT Good Enough?

Today, in the midst of our morning chaos, I started to cry.  Feeling overwhelmed by life,  I took a moment to breathe and before I knew it, I was sitting on the stairs, my head in my hands, my body quivering as I tried to contain the tears.

I know it's cliche but as a mom I'm used to feeling like I'm fraying at the edges,  but the  last few weeks have left me feeling like I'm ripping apart at the seams. 

Everything started when I took an intense week long course that had me studying until 1 am every night and commuting 45 minutes in each direction.

Then I spent 3 days at the hospital when 4 year old Bolt slipped off the top of a little tykes play centre at daycare and broke his elbow, fractured  both bones in his forearm and needed surgery, pins and wires to put everything back together.

I spent another day at the hospital when Bolt started showing signs of infection with a 40 degree fever, which ultimately required removal of his cast for careful examination prior to recasting and a round of heavy duty antibiotics.

At the same time, in addition to feeling neglected, 2 year old Simba has also had a flu complete with a fever and diarrhea.

And since both boys have been sick, they only want their momma and sharing her isn't an option.

And forget the pile waiting for me on my desk when I finally got back to work.

I'm already feeling stretched so thin and today's fun includes dragging Bolt back to the hospital to have blood work and confirm his infection has cleared up. I can see the fight already; what kid likes a 'poke'?

When asked how I was doing at work this week, I answered simply, good-ish.  My friend laughed and told 

me she was going to steal the phrase because her life is in the midst of different, but equally draining, turmoil.

But it begs the question, when does good-ish become not good enough? 

Some Days I Feel Like a Bad Mom

We all have moments where we feel like we are inadequate, moments where we feel like we are failing our children in some way.  These moments are often far and few between and my rational mind knows that it's simply not true, but my emotional self can't help but give in every now and then.

Last Sunday night, after Bolt and Simba were asleep in their beds I realized that we had a bag full of our boys' art on our living room floor that we hadn't touched all weekend.

Suddenly my mind was filled with thoughts of 2 year old Simba drawing pictures over the weekend and telling me he wanted to put them on his cubby to show Daddy.

Was he excitedly putting his art in his daycare cubby to show his parents who never looked or acknowledged it?

And there you have it, in a matter of moments I felt like the worst Mom ever. What parent doesn't nurture their children's inner artist,  encouraging them to be all they can be?

I resisted the desire to self-loathe and instead decided to look for a solution; a skill I'm trying to teach 4 year old Bolt.

With the help of some painters tape,  I had my boys' art on the wall for everyone to enjoy and as the hubs pointed out once the art gets ripped down and torn up, we can simply throw it in the recycling bin without any guilt. My boys' art will have been displayed, enjoyed and appreciated.

And just like that I had myself back on track; I'm not a bad Mom, I'm a real Mom who gets tired,  overwhelmed and sometimes forgets the little things, but aren't we all?

Family Comes First: A Working Mom's Dilemma

Three months ago I made a difficult decision that really wasn't a choice at all. I temporarily reduced my work week to three days so that I could spend more quality time with my boys, particularly with Bolt who was, at the time, repeatedly crying for for Mommy on an almost daily basis.

At that particular juncture, Bolt's behaviours were peaking. He was hitting, he was crying, and he was overwhelmed on a daily basis. He cried each morning that he didn't want to go to daycare, then cried each evening that he didn't want to come home. The stress level in our household was through the roof and literally all four of us were miserable.

I admit I cried more than a few tears; when I had children I assumed I could do it all. Work full-time, be an attentive mother, a loving wife and still have time to blog and follow my personal passions. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that I would have to choose between my family and my job, because truly, its not a choice.

Family comes first. Always.

No question about it, the past three months have been tough, not only have I been attempting to spend quality one-on-one time with my boys, we have been implementing techniques to help four year old Bolt manage his emotions, we've been working with an amazing psychologist who specializes in parenting, children and families, we've changed daycares, we've had a doctor identify that ADD and anxiety are likely contributing factors and after much effort we finally seem to have gotten Bolt's asthma and eczema under control.

I feel like 2013 brought our family to a crossroad and rather than choosing the easy path of denial, we've been putting one foot in front of the other as we travel along the rocky road to our brighter future.

So after three short months, I'm at work full-time, as of this week. My boss expressed concern that my return to full-time was too soon, but my boys are happy. They cheerfully go to daycare each morning (and they've been going four days a week for the past month), we have had literally no reports of excessive hitting or aggression and there are almost no cries for Mommy in my absence.

I'm confident that my boys are ready for Mom to go back to work full-time and I'm even more certain that the personal sacrifice I made, putting my work on the back burner, was without question one of the most important things I have ever done for the health of my family.

What sacrifices have you made for your family?
Working Mom's do you work full-time, part-time or at home? Do you ever consider switching?

I have 'Working Momma Guilt' and I haven't even finished maternity leave

I can't believe that a year ago, I was hugely pregnant and awaiting the arrival of my little man.  In exactly one week, he will have his first birthday and with that milestone comes yet another life-altering change.

On April 30th I will once again don my office attire and the hubs and I will scramble around like a chicken with our heads cut-off to get our kiddos dressed, fed and out the door by 7am.  My year long maternity leave will be over, the kids will be starting a new daycare and I will return to my desk and my job as an Environmental Coordinator with the Provincial Government.

I'm already feeling guilty; not because I will be at work while someone else cares for my children the majority of their waking hours, because I'm looking forward to going to work.  I'm excited to wear clothes that aren't covered in food, snot or other bodily fluids.  I'm excited to use my brain, have adult conversations and simply do a job I love and believe in.

I know these are normal feelings, but the truth is a year at home with two kids was much harder than a year at home with one.  In fact over the the past few months, I've caught myself uttering 'in another month, it will be someone else's problem' on more than one occasion.  For that, I feel truly guilty.

The transition back to work was incredibly emotional and difficult the first time around, but this time I know with certainty that my boys will settle into a new routine, they will make new friends and enjoy the stimulation of daycare, so this time, those are the least of my worries.  I also know that a mentally stimulated momma, makes for a happy momma, which is better for the entire family.

I love my boys' so much and I'm saddened by the thought of not being with them all the time, that I might miss the baby's first steps or any other amazing milestone in either of their little lives.  But staying at home permanently isn't an option for us and even if it was, I'm not entirely sure I'd be up to the task.

Truly, I have so much respect for stay at home mom's, you are amazing and I've enjoyed the opportunity to walk in your footsteps, but now its time for me to dive back into my life as a working momma, and the many challenges the lifestyle entails.

Define Me

To be unique is to be original, one-of-a-kind, special even.  From a biological perspective our mere existence as human beings makes us unique; each person a completely different genetic make up than the next.  So why is it that when Today's Parent asked bloggers to reflect on our uniqueness, the task has proven to be so difficult?

It's easy to rattle off facts, but I'm certain there are other people that can lay claim to these same statements:

When I'm not on maternity leave, I'm a working mother.
I am half Chinese and my children are a quarter Chinese.
I eat gluten-free.

It's the people I love, the stories I tell, the experiences I have, the decisions I make and the lessons I learn that define me, those are the things make me unique.

When I first returned to work, I didn't just complain about the struggle to find my work-life balance, I carefully reflected on my situation and shared my 5 Survival Tips for the Working Momma.  This is not to say that it was easy; in five short months I'll be back at work and both my precious boys will be in daycare, something I am simultaneously dreading and anticipating.

Speaking of expectations, when I was pregnant with the boy and we were working on the impossible task of picking a name, it was essential to me that my family name be passed on.  Both of my boys have two middle names, the second of which is my maiden name.  It's important to me that my children don't lose sight of their heritage even if they don't understand the language.  I don't speak Chinese and I don't go to temple, but when I'm with my grandmother I know how I'm supposed to behave.  I light incense, I bow and everything is done with two hands.  It is my responsibility to ensure that as my boys age, they learn to embrace their Chinese side.  It's my heritage and I will work to ensure those boys feel that its theirs too.

One of my biggest struggles is how to expose the boys to Chinese cuisine given our multiple allergies; in addition to my gluten intolerance, the boy doesn't eat dairy or soy.  Chinese food without soy is a challenge, but when it comes to cooking, I rise to the challenge, I've found a version of fried rice the boy gobbles right up.  I love to cook and bake so I've embraced our restricted diet and jumped in with both feet.  I am slowly discovering and creating recipes for feel-good food like pizza and Beer Battered Fish & Chips.

What makes me unique is my personal collection of experience, beliefs and passion, just as those things make each and every one of us an original copy.

This post was written for the Today's Parent Call for Bloggers

Independence at 16.5 months

The boy is getting so big, so fast.  He's so independent these days and he's beginning to assert his will and display his personality.  He's testing boundaries and pushing back on pretty much everything.

• My son who eagerly crawled up the stairs each night for bath time, now happily runs around naked, but refuses to sit in the tub.  He's stopped crying every night (thank goodness that only lasted about a week) but there's no way he's sitting down and making things easy.
  
• He recently tried signing to my Mom that he wanted to 'eat' right at the exact moment she put him into the crib for nap time; Good try little man, your Popo is way tougher than that.
  
• The boy refused plastic spoons in favour of regular cutlery months ago and now rarely lets me feed him, or even help guide the spoon into his mouth.  He does let me load the spoon up with food, but I need to put it back on his tray for him to pick up himself or he purses his lips and shakes his head no.
  
• The boy waited 14 months before he started walking, two months later he's running and refusing to hold our hands.  Fortunately once he figured out what the Teddy Bear Harness was for, he was in love.  He now pulls at it on the way out the door, this silly little bear means his freedom and he knows it.

I'm so proud of him, he's taking the world by storm and I love it.  The fact that its all happening so quickly and I'm away from him for so much of each day, I don't love quite so much.  Although I know he will always need me, I also know he'll never need me in quite the same way.  I guess just as the boys independence strengthens him, it tests my resolve by tweaking my working mommy guilt.

How is your little one expressing his/her personality?
How do you cope with your child's budding independence?  

5 Survival Tips for the Working Momma

Before I went back to work, we went through various iterations of what our 'working life' would look like and when the time came we slowly found a routine that worked our little family.  Our routine and our system is continually evolving and in some moments it feels as if it is failing us, but we keep trucking forward and do the best that we can.  Every momma’s experience is going to be different, but here are my top 5 tips to survive life as a working momma.

1.      Have confidence in your caregivers
You have to trust.  You have to believe that your child is safe and happy.  You have to.  With family its easy, but with daycare, with someone completely new, it's a little harder.  The boy goes to daycare two days a week; our daycare provider L and I hit it off right away and I was confident that if we could connect this easily, the boy could too.

We did gradual entry and even though he only goes a couple days a week he stopped crying EVERY day when I dropped him off after less than a month.  When I pick the boy up, he's consistently happy, well-fed and well-napped and I trust that L will contact me if I was needed.  Because I trust, I can do my job, without being plagued by the dreaded mommy guilt (at least not too much).

You may not be so lucky as to find a caregiver that feels 'right' on your first encounter, but its worth the effort to find someone that is a match for your family.  Seriously, find someone you can trust. 

2.      Maximize the time you DO have with your child
The boys waking hours allow for about an hour and forty-five minutes between when we get home and when he goes for his bath.  The boys play while I cook and then after dinner, the hubs cleans up a bit while the boy and I play.  Sometimes we all go for a walk and I don't make lunches or do chores unless the boys go out on a bike ride.  I do my chores after the boy is in bed, because I want every second with that little man that I can squeeze in.

 
On his daycare days, the boy and I commute together; I opted to find childcare in the vicinity of my work instead of my home.  Having the boy right there close by makes me comfortable, I can get to him if he needs me. It also means that I get close to an hour of time with the boy that he would otherwise be spent at daycare.  Granted it’s not the highest quality time, but we manage to entertain ourselves.  I can't wait until he starts talking so he can tell me of his adventures.  Try and find a way to make the time you do have work for your family, let the things that you can afford to, slide.

3.      Love your job (or at least aspects of your job)
I am lucky.  I went to University and studied Environmental Studies and Biology and I work in Environmental Services for my Provincial Government.  I work to ensure that both the needs of our public and the needs of our environment are considered during infrastructure development.  I believe in the work that I do and I am proud to be a part of it.

And despite all of that it was still hard to leave my child and go to work.  The first day, I kept telling myself, 'thank goodness I love my job'.  And it was true, if I didn't it would have been such a struggle.  I'm not so naive as to think that everyone has a job they love and I know finding a new job is often not an option, but I urge you, try and find one aspect of your job that you are passionate about.  

What made you take that job in the first place? What about your job makes you happy? Or leaves you feeling satisfied? Or like your making a difference?  Find that small positive grain in your work life and embrace it.  When you feel purpose at work, the days pass faster, which means your little one will be back in your arms in the blink of an eye.
 

4.      Establish a baseline routine
I am all about the routine, having a regular sequence of events within a particular timeframe.  With so many balls in the air, working momma's need to have a plan if they ever want to accomplish anything.  I get up before the boy (if he's awake he plays in his bed) to shower, dress and make breakfast.  The hubs cleans up the kitchen while I dress the boy and get the food and diaper bag together.  We're all out the door in just over an hour from when I got up.

The point is that in order to enjoy the time you have together, it helps to feel confident everything will get done.  Find a routine that works for your family's needs and don't be afraid to do it all the time.  The routine and the order of things, might get changed by circumstances occasionally or over time and thats ok, when you have a baseline routine, you have a tried and true system to revert back to in times of chaos.

5.      Embrace the help you have
In the early days the hubs wasn't always sure how best to help me, or the boy; when he didn’t feel that he could help us, he helped with the chores.  He regularly does laundry and dishes, he sweeps and cleans and he’s done all sorts of home improvement projects including making our backyard safer for the boy.  

Now that I’m back at work and the boy is older, our parental roles have evolved, the boys have their time together and although we both have chores that we do more frequently, we help each other out where we can and do our best to acknowledge that we are both working hard to have the best for our family.  We still fling blame around sometimes, but I try to embrace the help the hubs has to give without judgement and I hope he does the same.  I truly believe it’s a perspective thing, try and see the glass as half full ladies – optimism can go a long way in improving your outlook and your experience.

Are you a working Momma? 
What are your tips for surviving as a working momma?

This post was inspired by Day 2 of the Problogger challenge, my elevator pitches post from yesterday and Exploits of a Military Mama’s Dear Working Mama's post.