I have 'Working Momma Guilt' and I haven't even finished maternity leave

I can't believe that a year ago, I was hugely pregnant and awaiting the arrival of my little man.  In exactly one week, he will have his first birthday and with that milestone comes yet another life-altering change.

On April 30th I will once again don my office attire and the hubs and I will scramble around like a chicken with our heads cut-off to get our kiddos dressed, fed and out the door by 7am.  My year long maternity leave will be over, the kids will be starting a new daycare and I will return to my desk and my job as an Environmental Coordinator with the Provincial Government.

I'm already feeling guilty; not because I will be at work while someone else cares for my children the majority of their waking hours, because I'm looking forward to going to work.  I'm excited to wear clothes that aren't covered in food, snot or other bodily fluids.  I'm excited to use my brain, have adult conversations and simply do a job I love and believe in.

I know these are normal feelings, but the truth is a year at home with two kids was much harder than a year at home with one.  In fact over the the past few months, I've caught myself uttering 'in another month, it will be someone else's problem' on more than one occasion.  For that, I feel truly guilty.

The transition back to work was incredibly emotional and difficult the first time around, but this time I know with certainty that my boys will settle into a new routine, they will make new friends and enjoy the stimulation of daycare, so this time, those are the least of my worries.  I also know that a mentally stimulated momma, makes for a happy momma, which is better for the entire family.

I love my boys' so much and I'm saddened by the thought of not being with them all the time, that I might miss the baby's first steps or any other amazing milestone in either of their little lives.  But staying at home permanently isn't an option for us and even if it was, I'm not entirely sure I'd be up to the task.

Truly, I have so much respect for stay at home mom's, you are amazing and I've enjoyed the opportunity to walk in your footsteps, but now its time for me to dive back into my life as a working momma, and the many challenges the lifestyle entails.

Guilt

Guilt. We all have it. Men, Women even children, no one is exempt. Dictionary.com defines Guilt as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” It’s that last part of the definition that speaks to me, that I suspect plagues parents the most; the imagined wrongs that we carry around with us. The feeling that we are letting down or even failing our children or our families.

• I feel guilt because I work full-time; I spend 9 out of every 10 work days away from my son.
• I feel guilt because I like working.
• I feel guilt that I’m thinking about blogging when I should be thinking about working.
• I feel guilt that I haven’t planned dinner for this evening and I’m worried that the meal won’t be as nutritious and healthy as it should be.
• I feel guilt that sometimes I just want to be alone; No hubs, No boy just me, a hot bath and a book.
• I feel guilt that sometimes I’m too soft on the boy.
• I feel guilt that sometimes I’m too hard on the boy.
• I feel guilt that I was cranky last night and didn’t fully embrace my evening alone with the boy.
• I feel guilt that my own dietary restrictions affect the boys food choices.
• I feel guilt that I buy the boy too much and worry that he will become materialistic.
• I feel guilt that I can’t provide my cats with the level of love and attention they were used to before the arrival of the boy.

 I could keep going, but really there is no need. You’re a parent too (I assume) and you have guilt too.

I know most of these things are just the struggles of parenthood, of the challenges we face as adults living our lives. I do my best not to let these feelings run my life or overtake my perspective. In fact, I’m a bit of an eternal optimist; my glass is always half full. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel guilt or that I don’t give in to it sometimes, it just means I don’t let guilt guide my life or the direction it takes. 

• I am strong.
• I know that I am giving all that I have to be the best parent I can be.
• I know that the boy feels the love that I have for him.
• I know that my intentions are always good, even if the outcome is less than ideal.
• I know that there is nothing more important than family.
• I know that despite the fact that sometimes it’s a bumpy ride, I am on the right road for me.
• I know that guilt is only one emotion of many and I can’t allow it to overshadow the others.
• I know my life is full of love and laughter.
• I know that negativity benefits no one.
• I embrace my life and I know that every experience and every struggle is just another step in my journey.

Do you struggle with guilt? Or do you have another emotion that occasionally gets the best of you? How do you keep yourself from giving in to the negativity?