Why I hate the 'I'm Going to Bed' Meme

Lately, I’ve been seeing this bedtime meme on Facebook and I hate that it reinforces gender stereotypes; the husband simply goes to bed, while the wife cleans and tidies the house and prepares for the next morning before her head ever hits the pillow. Each and every time I look at the list, I have only one thought.

I am the husband.

I am exhausted at 9:30pm and sheepishly crawl off to the warm embrace of my bamboo sheets and cozy pillow most nights of the week.

Do I pick up all the toys first? Nope.

Do I clean and tidy my house first? Nope?

Do I fold a load of laundry first? Nope.

Do I do the dishes and load the dishwasher first? Nope.

I give my husband a kiss, trudge upstairs to wash my face, brush my teeth and put my pajama’s on before I collapse into the bed and fall fast asleep for another night.

Does my husband do ALL THE THINGS I don't before he goes to bed? Yep.

All that being said...

Do I get up with my almost 4 year old at 5am nearly every day? Yep.
Do I work 10 hours a day so that my husband can be home with my boys? Yep.

Do I need to go to bed early to maintain my lifestyle? Yep.

I recognize that in the ideal world this meme wouldn’t even exist, because everything would be perfectly balanced, all the time. And I also understand that this meme is simply a reflection of people’s experience that many people relate to it, but personally, it rubs me the wrong way. 

This meme reinforces my inability to fit into gender stereotypes and worse makes me care, just a little bit, that I don’t fit into traditional household roles.

And in the end, does any of it matter?
Which chores are yours and which chores are your partner's?
Which gender you do (or don’t) identify with in any and all respects?

No, it doesn’t.

What matters is that, however you do things, it works for you and your family.

I may not be a traditional mother in many senses of the word and yet in many others I am and quite frankly, my boys love me just the way I am.

So I am just going to go ahead and continue to hate this meme.

Dreaming THE dream

In casual conversation, I often talk about 'THE DREAM'; if you're a parent, I bet you have the dream too. I think everyone's version is a little bit different and may change with the month or day or even moment, but here's a few of the things that define THE dream for me.

In THE dream:

• My boys are best buddies; they laugh, they play, they don't hit each other every other second, or even at all.
• My boys don't need to be entertained every, second of the day.
• I absolutely, never ever, have to change another pair of poopy pants.
• My boys pee IN the toilet, wipe up their own dribbles and even wipe their own bums.
• The hubs and I leave the house, together, alone, regularly.
• The boys don't catch every cold they walk by.
•  My boys are polite, kind and considerate.
• Everyone contributes to keeping the house clean and tidy willingly (myself included).
• The dog stops getting scared, snappy and biting.
• I never have to work on the weekend or evening.
• My boys know how to handle their emotions without great frustration.
• My boys love books and nature and exploration more than television, computers and video games.
• Eating out safely, for both the Bolt (peanut-free) and myself (gluten-free) is easy and delicious.

I'm certain there are many more things that encompass THE dream for me, but for now this will have to do. I'm curious, what defines YOUR dream?

What I hear | City vs. Country

We used to live in the City; a large neighbourhood park, the bus and an elementary school were all within a 5 minute walk. The grocery store, the mall, the Skytrain and a 7-Eleven were all within a 15 minute walk. We were living the City life in our quaint little townhouse; our family, our friends and our lives all revolved around the Lower Mainland.

And then we took a chance on life. 

We now live in a little mining town with 2,500 people. The pub closes at 9pm regardless whether there’s a hockey game in progress, the grocery store doesn’t open until 9am, Bolt’s kindergarten class is anticipated to be 13 kids and although there are very few stores, one of them is a video rental shop (apparently they still exist).

So many things have changed and I struggle with where to start and what to share, but as I sat on my beautiful backyard deck yesterday, enjoying a sunny Sunday afternoon, I had an epiphany and knew exactly where to start; with my ears.

What I heard in my City Backyard:

• Traffic and vehicles horns.
• Emergency sirens.
• School bells.
• Asian Karaoke.
• Drunk Teenagers.

 What I hear in my Country Backyard:

• Birds chirping.
• Leaves rustling.
• Chopping wood.
• Silence.
• Nature.

 And I have to say, I’m feeling pretty good about this particular aspect of my new life.

whirl wind

When I was a little girl, I remember time passing so slowly.  Each day was so full and the time between birthdays and holidays seemed almost insurmountable.  Now, life feels more like a whirl wind and I have to be cautious not to let it pass me by without stopping to savour the moments. I'm learning that keeping my camera at the ready at all times is both enjoyable in the moment and in embracing the memories.

I took this photo about 3 weeks ago in an attempt to document both my growing belly and my new haircut, but was disappointed with all of the shots I took, but after a little fun using Pretty Presets freebies, this enjoyable little gem emerged.


And look at this independent little man; seriously are little boys ingrained to find walking sticks? The boy carried that stick around for almost our entire walk and he doesn't even know anyone that walks with a cane!

I love capturing innocent father-son moments like this one, there's something so beautiful about catching my boys in the crisp, cool air absorbed by each other and the family of ducks swimming below them.

And of course, I love when the hubs manages to catch a photo of me and our exhausted little boy. It just makes my heart melt.

I am Not Alone

This week, Theta Mom wrote a great post entitled, You are Not Alone and I found myself nodding along with each and every point made, even though only one section refers to my reality.  The post was a gentle reminder about the struggles of motherhood that we all go through, every day, in some way or another.  It reminded me that each moment of frustration, no matter how small is valid and that its unlikely I am the first, or the last to experience the flood of emotion that ensues.

Unfortunately, despite all of this, I had a bit of a meltdown this weekend.  I'm the mediator in my family, so I generally pride myself on keeping things in control.  But, after the peanut incident last week the boy has been clingy and cranky to say the least and its been taking its toll on me.  He's not been eating much, he's been crying much more than usual and he's having trouble going and staying asleep, which of course means this pregnant Momma's not sleeping all that well either.

Saturday morning the boy had swimming lessons, so we had our breakfast, got geared up and went to the pool for our 8:30am lesson.  The boy walked up to his waist in the water, walked out and asked to go home, this was of course around the time that the class (and the screaming) started.  After 10 minutes of wailing, we left.  As I drove, the tears started streaming down my face and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I was frustrated, upset and mad at the boy.  Of course this quickly translated into being both mad at myself and overcome with guilt that I would put all of my hormonal emotions onto my 22 month old son.

After a few hours away and a little quality time with my Momma, I remembered.

I am Not Alone.
It's ok to be frustrated.
It's ok to cry.
It's ok to ask for help.
It's ok to need time for myself.
It's ok to be mad.
...and most importantly, I am Not Alone.

To all the Momma's out there that are struggling today, You are Not Alone, either.

a craptastic week

So last week kind of sucked.

After my post about double strollers, I decided that I wanted a double stroller.  I decided I wanted the Easywalker Duo and that I wanted to pay the mamabargains price of $399 with the free carrycot.  That's not a lot to ask is it?

Tuesday:
I discussed it with the hubs and though he's hesitant to spend so much cash, he told me to go ahead and get whatever I thought we needed.  I took a deep breath and made the call.  Apparently, the Easywalker duo is one of the few products that ships direct from the manufacturer, which means there's none left in the warehouse for me to buy at the mamabargains price.  I was bummed to say the least.

Wednesday:
The hubs has already been sick since the weekend and when I talked to my Mom at lunchtime she informed me the boy won't eat, asked to go home from a playdate after 20 minutes and had already had two bottles (he usually only has one cup of rice milk during the day).  He's fussy, whiney and clingy.  None of these are signs of a happy and healthy boy.

On top of it all, I won't be home after work, I have my work Christmas party and the hubs is on baby duty all on his own.  This stresses me out a bit, the two of them haven't done after work on their own as much as they maybe should have.  Fortunately, they do great.  The boy eats for his dad and goes to bed without a fuss.

Thursday:
The boy made it through the night, but by 6:30am has already asked for milk and refused his breakfast.  He's clingy, but doesn't seem to be in too bad of spirits.  We decide to take him to my sister-in-laws and see how he does.

I'm not at work more than 30 minutes before I realize that the congestion I've been calling pregnancy and allergies is now accompanied by brain fog, achiness and overall grossness.  I'm sick too.  I finish off what I'm working on, drive home and pick up the boy.  We pathetically watch movies, sleep and eat rice noodles all day.

Friday:
Thank goodness its my earned time off (ETO) day at work, which means I get to stay home and I get paid.  Unfortunately, none of the resting or Christmas baking I was hoping to accomplish even gets started.

I had a visit from a dear friend who happens to be both blind and arthritic; I thought we were postponing, but when I realized I was wrong I just couldn't cancel after she'd made the effort.  (This same friend introduced me to the term craptastic, which just seemed fitting for today's post.)  We also decided to try out having a cleaning lady (yay!) and it was her first day so there was no naptime for me.  The boy was of course home for the duration, which means this sick momma had pretty much no downtime all day.

Saturday:
In truth, I don't remember much.  Saturday was a bit of a hazy, afternoon nap filled kind of day.  We did manage to mooch some dinner off my parents so I didn't have to cook, but I swear if my head wasn't attached to my body, I would have lost it this weekend.

Sunday:
I had absolutley zero gusto in me to get up and head to my fit 4 two exercise class at 9am and the boy allowed a much needed sleep-in until 7:30, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  I did feel a bit better and got some errands done over the course of the day, including a Christmas present for my mom and a few stocking stuffers.

We headed over to my mother-in-laws for dinner and had a nice simple dinner; baked chicken breast, potatoes, cauliflower with gluten-free cheese sauce and salad.  Imagine my surprise when I found myself bolting to the bathroom before I was even done cleaning the boy up from his dinner.  I swear I've read every salad dressing at the house, but apparently I forgot that I don't eat the cesaer dressing.

Half way down the ingredients, there it was, 'seasonings (soybean and wheat)'.  Dammit.

Monday:
Today started off much better, the boy and I both have a cough, but overall seem to be in better spirits.  I logged onto Mamabargains this morning and the Easywalker Duo was there waiting for me to purchase; thank goodness, the compulsive need to check the site was starting to make me a bit crazy.

As the day wore on however, I just started to get overwhelmed.  I still feel mildly sick, when I picked up the boy, my parents seemed cranky and annoyed (with me or with each other I'm not sure), they didn't feed him the lunch I packed (again), the extra mirror I use to see the boy in the car was broken and I have to spend the next two days at all day meetings downtown, which changes our commute, timing and routine drastically.  I walked through the front door and almost immediately burst into tears.

Fortunately the hubs was all over it.  He put on some Toopy and Binoo for the boy and ran out to get cat food (since the lack thereof made me start sobbing again) while I made dinner, he put the boy to bed and put on his brave face and told me he would happily pick up and take care of the boy and his dinners both tomorrow and Wednesday.  Thanks honey, you're the best.

Now that I've had a hot bath and good vent, it feels like things are about to turn around.  Hopefully my craptastic week is behind me, and the next fantastic one can begin.

to share, or not to share

When I started this blog, I knew that I wanted to share my opinions, my experiences and glimpses into my life with all of you.  I wanted to make new friends and I wanted a creative outlet that was honest and authentic but at the same time I was conscious of the fact that it was my decision to share, not the boys'.  My beautiful little peanut, so precious and vulnerable, as much as I wanted to share, I needed to keep him safe.

So after only a couple posts I removed all traces of the boys name from the blog and simply dubbed him, the boy.  This somehow made me feel safer; knowing that strangers would never be able to call his name from afar and convince him that they were friends.  A parents worst nightmare.

And yet, from what I understand, its not strangers that are most likely to prey on our children, its people we know, its people our children know. When the boy was first born a teacher friend cautioned us against sharing photos on Facebook, rattling off scary statistics about the people most likely to prey on your children.  It scared me, but I eventually decided my need to share with friends and family was stronger than the fear.  That being said, my Facebook photos all have privacy settings that prevent strangers from viewing my boy.

But is that really enough?

I post pictures of the boy here on my blog, but I rarely post pictures of his face in its entirety or really anything that I feel is just a little too intimate for public consumption.

I struggle with this regularly, I've always loved photography, I even worked in a photo lab when I went to university.  And since I got my Nikon D3000 for my birthday I've been snapping photos like crazy.  There have been so many gorgeous photos of the boy that I long to share with you all, but I just can't.

I'm jealous of people like Kelle and Lolli and Karen Lisa who feel free enough to share beautiful photos of their families on their blogs.  Granted all three of these particular women are professional photographers, but its not just them.  All you Momma's who share the photos of your children; I respect you, envy you even.

But I can't.  My boy just feels safer, tucked away on my harddrive and scattered throughout my home.  And when I read about Momma's who have had their little boys photos exploited, my heart breaks for the famliy, but it simply reaffirms to me, that for us, for our family, this sliver of privacy is the right thing.

Where is your line in the sand? 

Just how much of your family are you willing to share with your readers?

Current Giveaway: One pair of Stride Everyday Panties http://www.mommastuffblog.com/2010/09/stride.html

Happy Anniversary

When the hubs and I first met, it was the summer before I started University, we were supposed to be a summer fling. Something fun before the pressures of post-secondary life set in. It didn't work out quite like that, we couldn't stay away from each other. Five years later, while on a blissful island retreat, the hubs proposed.

Four months later, we were married in my parents beautiful backyard. We had a small family only wedding in the coastal morning sun.  I love that we had rose petals thrown on us instead of rice.

There's something so incredible about having your wedding in your family backyard.  Knowing that the beautiful scenery is a direct result of your Mother's tireless efforts to create the best backdrop possible for your wedding.

And of course, there's the absolute wondrousness of committing yourself to the man you love, in front of the most important people in our lives, our families.

Happy Anniversary my love, in four years we've come so far.  We've bought a townhouse and had a baby and I'm absolutley certain this is only the start of our beautiful journey together.

sleep changes

photo by the hubs 

Last night was the first in about two weeks that the boy slept throught the night.  It's been awful.  It's amazing to think how we function as new mother's.  I remember my midwife telling me that I had to ensure I got at least a total of six hours of sleep per day, even if it was broken up.

Now, almost 18 months later, a mere two weeks of broken sleep and I feel like a mess.  It started with a nasty bought of teething, which surprisingly resulted in two top molars cutting.  Once the teething started to ease up however, the boy started experiencing what I suspect are night terrors.

Multiple times this week the boy has woken up screaming and flailing within about two hours of falling asleep.  He did not seems to be soothed or calmed by our parental presence and when he did finally settle, as soon as I got close to putting him back in his crib he would resume screaming.  We ended up sleeping together in the spare bedroom a few times this past week just so I could get some rest and the boy was out like a light within moments of laying down.

After discussions with my Mom (I suffered from night terrors too) and reading through some Google search results, I feel like I have a better handle on what we might be facing.

What a conundrum, tired toddlers are more likely to experience terrors, but how do you get your child to sleep when he keeps having terrors?  We decided to focus on comfort.  Last night I had a nice bath with the boy, we washed and played then went about our nighttime routine.  Only last night I decided to put a light quilt into the boys bed so that I could tuck him in nice and tight.

This was not a random act, recently I've noticed that more and more the boy is putting his head on my shoulder and his hands at his sides when we have our pre-sleepy-time snuggles.  He is essentially assuming the swaddle position and that's absolutley about comfort for him.  Tucking him in seemed like a reasonable extension to swaddling, especially now that the boy's a toddler and the suffocation risks associated with blankets in the bed are long gone. 

I don't know if tucking the boy in had anything to do with sleeping through the night, with no wake-ups and no terrors, but I do know he calmed and settled in quickly when I tucked him in.  I did it again tonight and now we've passed the two hour mark without any incident.  I suspect I'll be tucking the boy in each night from this point on, I don't really see any downfalls and in all truth its starting to feel like fall around here so an extra blanket will surely be welcome.

Do you tuck your little one in?
How old was your little one when you started to tuck them in?

balance

I want to start by saying HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to my hubs, my dad and to all the father's out there; today is your day.  Enjoy the laughter of your children and bathe in the warmth of your families' love.  Today its all about you and I hope that its everything you could wish for.

Wishes in and of themselves are an interesting concept; they are about hope and desire, yet they are not bogged down by expectation.  Wishes are akin to dreams in that they hold the potential to connect us to the deeper, often untapped corners or our soul.  I'm obviously not talking about wishes for material goods such as cell phones, purses and televisions.  I'm talking about wishes that makes us vulnerable, wishes for good things for good people, wishes for success taking the road less traveled and wishes for the strength to change the things that seem unchangeable.  I'm talking about struggle and the hope that helps us keep pressing forward.

These days, I seem to be struggling myself with a bit of blueness, a flatness seems to be coming over me and clouding out a few of brighter moments. Quite simply, I am tired.  I love being a Momma and everything it entails, but I also miss myself, just me.  At my work they talk about a work-life balance, and my wish for myself, is a stronger Momma-Amber Balance; blogging has helped.  It's given me back my voice, given me a place to shout out my thoughts and my experiences to the world, but I need more, blogging is only the first step.


Next, I need to take back my body, claim it as my own.  I feel as if my body was the boys' for so long, but the boy hasn't breast fed for three months, so its time to move past that.  Overall, I had been doing pretty well, I lost the majority of my baby weight, without much effort, but over the last month or so, I've been eating junk food.  I've gained about 5 pounds back and it has to stop.  For Me, for My well-being and for My sense of worth.  I need to take care of My body not for the boy, but for Me.

Step 1: Cut back the junk food.
Step 2: Exercise.

Why does it seem so hard to do things just for me these days? I'd do anything for the boy in a heartbeat, but I'm no longer the top of my own totem pole. That being said, maybe this Momma-Amber balance I seek is really more of a goal than a wish, something I can work towards, something I can make happen, rather than something that I hope the universe can guide me towards.

How exciting, when I started this post, attaining balance felt almost unattainable, now it feels more like a challenge that I CAN rise to meet.  Thank you blogging, for yet another lesson in life.